How STIs Can Play a Role in Abusive Relationships

Not all relationships are good ones, especially when it comes to disclosing a sexually transmitted infection (STI) diagnosis. However, that is not necessarily a reason to avoid a relationship with someone. The way a partner handles that diagnosis can give you a good idea of his or her character. It can also help you figure out whether your relationship is a good one.

There are abusive individuals who will use STIs to try and control or injure their partners. This is usually done by intentionally exposing a partner to an STI in order to make them feel trapped in the relationship. It may also be done by using a partner’s existing STI to erode their sense of self-worth.

Intentionally Infecting Their Lovers

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that as of 2023, 35 states have laws that criminalize HIV exposure, and some have laws that also criminalize exposing someone to other STIs. After being exposed to HIV or an STI, people infected with an incurable STI often feel ruined, dirty, or ashamed. While most people can get over such feelings with time and counseling, some unethical and abusive individuals will intentionally infect a partner with their STI to induce the same feelings of shame.

Some such partners may think:

• “Well, if I give him herpes, then he’ll have to stay with me.”
• “Now you’re ruined, too. You might as well stay with me because no one else will have you.”
• “Now that you have this disease, there’s no way anyone else will love you. If you leave me, you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.”

The truth is that anyone who intentionally infects you with an STI and then tells you that you have to stay with him or her because you are “ruined,” “dirty,” “unlovable,” or any other description is not someone you should be in a relationship with. It doesn’t matter if their actions come out of feelings of insecurity or self-loathing.

Knowingly infecting someone with an STI, with the intention of using the disease to take control over their partner’s life, is cruel and abusive. It’s a good sign that you need to find a safe way out of that relationship as quickly as possible.

That said, it is important to acknowledge that it is possible for people to expose their partners to STIs unintentionally. For instance, this often happens if someone has an asymptomatic disease that they are unaware of. It is also worth mentioning that some people knowingly expose their partners to STIs out of shame, ignorance, or negligence rather than cruelty. While such situations may be betrayals of trust and failures of communication, they are not always abusive.

Making You Think No One Will Love You

When a relationship has started to go badly, some people will use any method they can to keep their partner from leaving. One such method may be telling their lover that it will be impossible for them to find a new partner because they have been diagnosed with an STI.

Some typical quotes:

• “You’re lucky that you found me. No one else would have you the way you are.”
• “You can’t leave me. You’ll never find another person who will accept your diagnosis.”
• “The only reason I can look past your disease is that I’ve known you for years. No one else will take the time to bother.”

Don’t believe the lies. Many people with STIs who are open and honest about their diagnoses have found other loving—sexual and romantic—relationships. STIs are extremely common. Some people do not consider an STI a “deal-breaker.” Having a private conversation in a comfortable and safe space, remaining calm and not defensive, and giving a partner time to process the information are healthy ways to tell someone you have an STI.

It’s true that some people you might want to date will not be able to deal with your STI diagnosis. However, that doesn’t mean that it is impossible to find love. People will often choose to take reasonable risks to be with someone they care about. Those risks may include the chance of being exposed to an STI. It often doesn’t seem like such a big deal when you’re choosing to be with someone you love.

A Word From Verywell

Because you have an STI, even an incurable one, does not mean that you have to stay with your current partner. There are ways to get help both with your infection and to get out of the relationship.

STIs do not make you a bad person, a dirty person, or someone unworthy of love. STIs are not a punishment for having sex. They are not a sign that you don’t deserve to be happy.

An STI Is Not a Reason to Stay in an Abusive Relationship

If you need help, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.