While in some cases these statements are probably true -- people do lie about their infection status and cheat on their partners -- they aren't always true. Herpes is so often asyptomatic that many people may never know that they are infected unless they get screened or one of their partners has a first herpes outbreak and sends them to get tested. In addition, people who are infected with herpes are not always equally infectious. Asymptomatic shedding does occur, but not at the same levels all the time, which means that transmission of the virus could occur one night or 1 year into a relationship.
If you've just had your first herpes outbreak, you are understandably upset. You are probably in significant discomfort, and you may feel "ruined" or otherwise shamed by the social stigma surrounding the diagnosis. However, when you talk to your partner about your diagnosis, try to do so calmly and without accusations. It's possible that they did not know they were already infected or that you came into the relationship infected and only now had your first herpes outbreak.
One of the reasons I often suggest pre-relationship screening and discussions about safe sex and sexual history is to avoid just this sort of misunderstanding during a relationship. Screening isn't something you do to weed out potential partners. It's something you do so that you can make informed decisions about your sexual risk, since informed decisions are less likely to be ones that you'll regret.
Finally, if you're having your first herpes outbreak, I want to reassure you that being diagnosed with herpes is not the end of the world. Living with herpes can be difficult, both physically and emotionally, but it is possible to live a full and happy life with the virus. No matter how hard it seems right now, a herpes diagnosis is not the end of your life -- or even your love life -- and you shouldn't let anyone tell you differently.
NOTE: A genital herpes diagnosis is not a reason to stay in a bad or unhealthy relationship. If your partner is pressuring you to stay in a relationship by telling you that no one will want you now that you are infected with herpes, it isn't true. Furthermore, such implied threats may be a sign that your relationship is or is becoming abusive. Please consider contacting a domestic abuse hotline. or discussing your situation with a local counseling professional whom you trust.
