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Readers Respond: Talking About Sex With a New or Established Partner

Responses: 10

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Updated February 23, 2010

Talking about sex with your partner can be scary. It helps to know that other people have done it many times, and done it successfully. This is a place for users to share stories about their experiences talking about safe sex, std testing, and other topics with their sexual partners.

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Wow

There is a LOT of man-hate here! I'd be shocked to learn that all of the other commenters so far are not the same person. Be smart, be safe, but there's no need to be puratin-level paranoid. Start a relationship, both get tested, both use birth control and love life.
—Guest Wow

stop blaming people

I have hv2, I caught it from a male. I am not angry as he caught it from someone else. 25% of women between 35 and 45 have it. Men dont catch it so easily. I am honest with my partners and take responsibility for it. I am happily engaged and have a great sex life with someone who has nothing contagious. I take precautions and am totally honest. I am not saying take on the swingers, but be reasonable. Not everyone has contracted something by being promiscuous or selfish. Dont discard someone who is honest and has something that can be controlled. If you can find someone honest who has something, is it not better than someone who says they are innocent and may be lying. If you think there is someone you could care about, who is honest with you, be grateful for that, rather than rejecting them and spoiling things for both of you. He may be the most honest caring person you may ever meet. Do you really want to reject them for their honesty and consideration. hugs and love to you all. Ali X
—AliAus

Stay in control of your life

I don't believe in casual sex and that can put you on the outer at Uni. I don't care, I don't plan on facing abortions, infections and STI's. I take the view no contraception is 100% and never take sex lightly. I therefore am only interested if I can say that I won't have regrets sleeping with someone if we don't end up together long term. I don't do one night stands and went out with my BF for 6 months before having sex. We had an emotional connection before a physical one. When you jump straight into sex, an emotional connection may not happen. My BF is my friend as well and a man who cares about you, also cares about your health. I don't want to take the Pill, I use the Billings Method and he uses condoms, we're a team. We've been together for 4 years now and I think we'll end up together. If my BF hadn't been prepared to wait, I would have let him walk. My values keep me safe & my life on track. I've seen many women fall by the wayside, fail exams, drop out...after losing control
—Guest Alex

Stand your ground

I'm a guy who has a great deal of respect for a woman who refuses to have sex unless a commitment to fidelity is well established. Cheapness works both ways but I believe there are more slutty guys than there are slutty women. As for me, I am a one woman man, long term or nothing.
—Guest Calabana

No man is worth your health

I agree, we only have one body and one life. I've had friend go through abortions because the BF didn't want to use a condom, others have herpes which they'll live with for the rest of their lives. If a man prefers to risk your health rather than put on a condom, walk away. We can all do better than that, why risk our health to keep a selfish and ignorant man happy? Any man who doesn't want to use condoms and would rather you take Pills with side effects, have an IUD inserted or risk STIs and unplanned pregnancies is not interested in you, he's interested in his own needs. I've always rejected selfish men and have great health. Women who accommodate these men, usually end up regretting it. Some women want to take the Pill, that is their decision, but I know women who are driven by the man's wishes, and that shows a distinct lack of confidence and self-esteem. I talked about sex with my BF and what I expected of him and what I would and would not do.
—Guest Janet

Protect No. 1

This may be an old-fashioned opinion, but I don't believe women get away with casual sex. Some women may be happy to live at the gynecologist's office, but I would HATE that life. Women have unplanned pregnancies, bladder infections, a long list of STDs, HIV-AIDS and even anal fissures. I saw an article by Dr Amy Teuter called "Men get lucky, women get screwed" and I agree with her. I stand guard over my body and see casual sex as a serious threat to my health. If a guy wants sex, he can find someone else. I've had one BF, both virgins at the start and we always use condoms. Why would I use pills and mess with my perfect cycle when we can use condoms with no side effects? I put a high price on my body and don't do anything just because it makes life easier for a man. I'm the one who'd have to live with an abortion or persistent bladder infections, sorry, no deal! Women who are recklessly indifferent pay a high price. Talk to every partner about sex and protect No 1 - your body!
—Guest Vonnie

Put off with all this talk of disease

I'm paranoid about HPV, HIV, herpes and can't be bothered having sex. Women seem to get a raw deal with sex - all the horrible medical exams and I've lost count of the women my age who've had LEEP. (21) What an awful way to live...sex isn't worth all of that misery and humiliation. Unless I can find another virgin, I might pass and remain single. Why should I accept a non-virgin and get exposed to disease because HE had some fun? It really is a minefield out there with all the casual sex. I'm not interested in taking risks with my health and have no interest in one night stands or short term flings. I don't like medical things and prefer to keep my body safe and healthy. Hopefully, a virgin is not far away...I'm told analytical chemists are very shy and the Uni lab is a rich source of virgins. I'll have to investigate!
—Guest Erica

Share responsibility

It makes me mad that many men dump the responsibility of birth control on their partners. I've heard a few women say that you can't ask a man to use condoms forever, but men think nothing of asking women to take the Pill for 20 years or have IUD insertions. The selfishness astounds me. If men had to go through IUD insertions, medical checks, nausea and other side effects, sex would be a lot less appealing. Dr's act as guardians of birth control as well and use it to force women to have all sorts of unrelated checks. A friend was told recenly no pills until she's had a mammogram even though the new guidelines say not before 50. This sort of blackmail happens all the time to women who want pills. I'd never let a man get off like this, when I met my partner 3 yrs ago we agreed he'd use condoms and I'd use the Billings Method. We share responsibility for BC. We also talked about STD's, but we both have safe backgrounds. (both had one long standing partner who were virgins at the start)
—Guest Jill

Look for someone low risk...

I'm with Joanne. I thought I met a nice man after my husband died and then after a few drinks he let it slip he was involved with the "swinging" community. I told him he could "swing" right out of my life and take his STD's with him. He was a little shocked...men seem to forget that when they engage in high risk activities, they expose us and jeopardize our good health. Given there is no test for HPV for men, you have to be careful. If I can't find a man I think is disease free, I'd rather be single. I don't care for screening, I think the benefits have been oversold to us. A friend ignored bleeding after a series of normal paps only to find she had cancer. It's a rare cancer, but it happens. She would have gone to the Dr sooner without the normal paps. She'll be fine, but her doctor told her one third of women who get cancer have had normal smears. I also don't like the idea of treatment for thousands to find a couple of women. You have to accept that...if you want testing.
—Guest Dana

It pays to be cautious

My late husband and I were virgins when we met so we didn't need to have any of these sorts of talks. Just one about birth control and we both wanted to avoid hormones so opted for condoms and natural family planning. After the death of my husband 5 years ago, I'm struggling to find someone with a similar sexual history. I have no wish to take on gyn problems at this point in my life after years of good health in all areas. The one night stand and short term relationships make it quite hazardous out there. I've decided at this point to remain single and celibate if I can't find a disease free male. I might only be 43, but single life is preferable to a lifetime in stirrups having things treated, removed or lasered off...
—Guest Joanne

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Talking About Sex With a New or Established Partner

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