The funny thing is that people often think that having sex is something easy to define... until they try to do it. "What is sex?" is actually a question that has bugged scientists for years, because it affects how they do their research. When you're studying sexually transmitted diseases, sex education, and other issues that are related to human sexual behavior, it's important to figure out what people are actually doing in bed with each other. Unfortunately, it turns out that's hard to assess by simply asking them how many sexual partners they've had in the past three months. Far too many people disagree on what it means to be having sex.
Ever since the Clinton era arguments about whether oral sex is sex hit the news, there has been a great deal of discussion on the question of "what is sex?", but there hasn't been a lot of formal research outside of the context of abstinence-only and virginity pledge research. That's why a 2010 study by the Kinsey Institute that directly addressed the question "What is sex?" got so much attention. In a result that, on the surface, is unsurprising to anyone who has ever argued the question with their friends, the scientists found that two people could quite possibly be engaged in very intimate acts and disagree about whether or not they're having sex.
The actual details of the research, however, are fare more interesting. The study asked participants the question "Would you say you ‘had sex’ with someone if the most intimate behavior you engaged in was...", and then they listed a variety of sexual activities. Among other results, the scientists found that:
- Only about 45 percent of the population think that they've had sex with someone if they've fondled their genitals... but 48 percent would say they'd had sex if they were the ones who had been fondled.
- Similarly, 71 percent of people thought of giving oral sex as having sex, but 73 percent considered oral sex to be sex if they received it.
- Approximately 95 percent of the population thinks that vaginal intercourse is having sex.
- That number drops to 89 percent for vaginal intercourse when the man doesn't orgasm
- 80 percent of people would say they'd had sex with someone if they'd had anal intercourse
Beyond the fact that more people consider that having sex involves their genitals rather than someone else's, there were also some very interesting age related differences in what people considered to be sex. For example, men over the age of 65 were significantly less likely to consider anal intercourse, receiving oral sex, and fondling a partner's genitals to be sex than men between the ages of 30 and 65. The youngest men surveyed, those between the ages of 18 and 29, were also much less likely to consider manual sex and oral sex sufficient criteria to say they'd had sex with someone. There were some similar age trends seen among the women, but the differences weren't nearly as profound. Still, the most amusing statistic for me was the fact that the percentage of men who saw vaginal intercourse with a condom as "having sex" went steadily down across the four measured age groups - from 100 percent of 18-29 year-olds to 82 percent of men over the age of 65. Fascinating.
I suspect that one of the reasons that the answers vary so strongly is that people tend to ask the question, "what is sex?" for two different reasons - morality and practicality. When you're looking at sexual activity as a question of infidelity, maturity, or religiosity, the answers may be quite different than when you're thinking of sex as as physical health issue that can lead to pregnancy or disease. That's why it's always a good idea not just to ask the question, "are we having sex?" but to figure out why you want to know. You may find out that you and the person you're discussing it with are having two completely different conversations.
Arguing about what it means to be having sex with someone is fun, but is it important? I think it is, and not just because understanding sexual behavior is useful for scientists. Sex is a risky business. If you don't think of participating in oral sex, manual sex, anal sex, or even vaginal intercourse without ejaculation as having sex, then you may be less likely to try and engage in these behaviors safely. After all, when people hear "sexually transmitted diseases" they think about diseases that they can get while having sex. If what they're doing isn't sex, then do they actually have to worry?
Sources:
Sanders S et al.(2010) "Misclassification bias: diversity in conceptualisations about having 'had sex" Sexual Health 7(1): 31-34.
